(c) Copyright 2010 by Joe Dumas

When Divorce occurs, there is invariably a Self Esteem Collapse. The self or the ego is in a quandary.

Prior to a divorce, you had made the most important decision in life: marriage or the celibate life. You had chosen to “give marriage a try”. Whether both parties were committed to make it work is not for us to judge and is not relevant here. The fact remains: You are disappointed with the outcome.

Suddenly, you are in front of the mirror of self esteem: The False Self is confronting the Real Self. How do you face the hurts, the disappointments, the bitterness, the sorrows and the anxieties ?

One minute, you are diving deep in laying the blame at the other party. Remember you are the offended self now. The other party was inconsiderate; a liar; difficult to live with; selfish; jealous….you gather all the injustice under the sun.  After having let go of all your vile and rancour, you feel justified.

Then the False Self takes over. You keep rummaging away bitterly at the hurt, the guilt, the shame, the disappointments. You are like a lion trapped in a cage.

Secure in this false reality, the self collapses because it falls into the trap of making comparisons .

“I am a nice person. Why did this happen to me ? It is not fair…”

From the above considerations, the whole litany of your Worthiness is questioned.  You  mentally agree that you  are an adequate person and that you are worthy of being loved. You have good intellectual competence. Your personal skills are not too bad- meaning they are average. Frankly you are not an idiot. You have good physical attributes, meaning you are not handicapped physically and your appearance is okay, meaning, you are no slouch.

These generalised feelings of self worth allow you to pass a set of judgments which says that there is nothing wrong with you. Therefore, it follows that you are at a loss to understand why you are not accepted as a worthwhile partner.

Just as it took you a while to fall in love, marry and have a relationship, the same can be said with Divorce. It needs time to heal. The possible consequence of low self esteem is always a risk factor. No one can deny that a divorce does not affect your self esteem. If left untreated, it can lead to loneliness, suicidal thoughts, drug addiction,alcoholism. It can be damaging to your health because it causes a vulnerability to negative forces.

There is no generalised cure for divorce as every case is different. However, in order to change your low self esteem caused by a bitter divorce, you need to focus your attention on changing and learning new skills.  This will take time. There is no quick fix cure. It will take time and patience to learn new behaviours and new responses.

If you have lived with a false self in your previous relationship, it is time to learn the real self. A healthy relationship is a maturing relationship that accepts and encourages the growth of self.  You need to learn skills like anger management, overcoming guilt and shame. You need to overcome distorted beliefs, improve your assertiveness and conflict resolution skills.

Divorce can lead to damage control if you let low self esteem take over.

P.S. "The HAPPINESS of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.... The Pursuit of Happiness is the chase of a lifetime and this can be achieved if your thoughts are focused on self respect and SELF ESTEEM."